Funny messages and jokes in English

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  • Hi, need one girl to marry. Age no bar, color no bar, height no bar,  caste no bar,  but girls father must have his own bar.  Cheers.
  • This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful.  We have obviously sent it to the wrong number. Sorry
  • When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
  • Why do women hate alcohol so much? Because after drinking it,  their mouse like husbands become lions!
  • Past is waste paper, present is news paper, future is question paper, life is answer paper,  so, carefully read and write it and enjoy life
  • If you think nobody cares if you are alive,  try missing a couple of car payments.
  • Hallo, this is your mobile.  There is no particular problem.  I just wanted to leave your pocket, the smell is unbearable
  • I really need to start meeting my goals.  Can someone introduce me to them?
  • If at first you don't succeed,  you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who dint succeed either.
  • Whats the loudest noise in the jungle? A monkey eating cherries.
  • Tintu was standing below a tube light with mouth wide open why?? Because his doctor advised him,  today’s dinner should be light
  • News: 32 girls are admitted in kims hospital for suicide attempt.  Reason: tinto mobile was swich off yesterday. . silly girls
  • Interviewer: tell any idea to avoid train accidents crack: to put speed breakers on the track
  • Scientists all over the world are wondering how long a human being can live without a brain. . .  So,  kindly tell them your age plz.
  • Docter to tintumon: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die? Tintumon: yes, a good doctor.
  • Worlds shortest jokes: 1) to women are sitting quiet.  To) to cracks are playing chess.  3) Girlfriend pays the bill. . .
  • Teacher: tintu what is the full form of class? Tintumon: c-come l-late a-and s-start s-sleeping
  • I love you very much.  Please understand me. Don’t try to avoid me.  At least see me once in a week.  Yours lovingly, soap and tooth
  • Walk in your own path, love in your own style,  talk in your own words help in your own ways then people will say you are a dumb guy
  • Gal sitting on a park bench.  Funny begger: hi darling!!! She angrily: how dare you call me as darling? Begger: then what are you doing on my bed
  • Failure is not only when your girlfriend leaves you. .  It is when you don't try for her sister
  • No visits. . .  No cals. . .  No sms. . .  No letters. . .  No missed calls. . .  I am worried.  Are you in jail again?
  • Warning! Cell phone emits dangerous radiations which causes brain cancer!! But,  How lucky you r!  No brain   no tension
  • If I had a cam I l snap every your movement every smile every actions and keep in my house to scare al ghosts
  • Imp of thumb. Child use it for chewing illiterate people use it for sign winners for victory. My fans use it for reading my messages you to
  • I am still watching your every moment 4rm 3 diff sources.  1. cartoon network to. animal planet 3. national geo
  • You look sweet when you read my msg.  You look sweeter when you read my message and smile.  You look sweetest when you read my message, smile and reply. so, look sweetest
  • Gal: do you have and e sentimental love cards? Shopkeeper: how about this card, it says to the only boy I ever loved gal: gr8, I want 10 of them.
  • Some times small things in life hurts a lot if you don't agree with me. Try to sit on a pin!!
  • Congrats! Good news for university students exams of university have been postponed upto June to confirm go to site www.Stopdreamingstartstudying.com
  • Diff between poetry and lecture any word said by gal friends is  poetry  and anything said by wife is  lecture
  • John to mam: would you punish me for something I didn’t do? Mam: no, of course not.  John: good, because I didn’t do my homework.
  • Teacher: tomorrow there will be a lecture on sun.  Boy: I will not be able to attend it.  Teacher: y? Boy: my mom will not allow me to go so far.
  • Son: papa what is the difference between mother’s tear and wife’s tear? Father: mothers tear hit your heart and wife’s tears hit your pocket.
  • Boy to girl before exam: all the best, girl also told the same . Girl scored 80 marks and boy failed. Moral: only boys wish with true heart
  • Teacher: tell me the perfect example for Newton’s 3rd law? Student: whenever I open my book, my eyes close automatically action for reaction
  • My attitude in exams,  they gave me questions which I don't know,  I gave them answers which they don't know.
  • Height of flirt : entering late in the class without permission and saying to mam. Sweetie, carry on, don't stop for me.
  • Teacher: Boy! join these two sentences together.  I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.  Boy:i saw a dead body cycling to school
  • Wife: I think our daughter is in love with som1.  Husband: how do you know? Wife: bcos she is not askng for pocket money.
  • Customer: I need poison.  Chemist: I can’t sell you.  Man shows his marriage certificate.  Chemist: o! Sorry, I dint knew you had a prescription. .
  • Marriage: an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a women gains her masters.
  • Dad: whats your result? Son: I have failed in 5 subjects.  Dad: now onwards don't cal me dad.  Son: com on dad! Its my school test not a dna test.
  • Teacher: who is your favorite writer? Student: your daughter teacher: y? Student: everyday she gives me a nice love letter.
  • Husband to a newlywed wife! I could go to the end of the world for your wife: thanx, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.
  • A recently fired stock trader said. This is worse than divorce I have lost everything and I still have my wife.
  • Nobody teaches volcanos to erupt, tsunami to devastate,  hurricane to sway arond no one teaches how to choose a wife,  disaster happens
  • I just feel you,  whenever I feel you,  I just miss you,  whenever I miss you,  I just wanna see you,  do you know why. I love cartoons
  • Where are u? You are you not replying? I m worried cause today paper I read that due to thunder a monkey has been severely injured. So if you are safe, sms me
  • I saw you on road today. You were looking so fine, Your face so divine, Your walk so perfect. My heart started singing a sweet song: who let the dogs out
  • Have you seen a monkey wrapped in plastic? No??? Quickly see your driving license.