Funny jokes and quotes for friends

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  • A girl says to her boyfriend, one kiss and I will be yours forever. The guy says thanks for the warning
  • Recession: when wine and women get replaced by water and wife!
  • Someone.  Misses you.  Needs you. Worries about you lonely without you guess who the monkey in the zoo
  • On a wall in a ladies room: my husband follows me everywhere.  Written just below it, I do not.
  • If you want to remove wrinkles, pimples,  face marks and the 7 signs of skin-aging,  try adobe Photoshop!
  • I hate when people tell me to relax.  If it was that easy, don’t you think I would have done that already?
  • To all the girls who wear a lot of make-up: take it easy,  it’s a face and not a coloring book.
  • If drinking alcohol makes one alcoholic: does drinking fanta makes one fantastic?
  • I come up with my best jokes during exams.  Their giving less mark is a concrete proof that the markers have no sense of humor.
  • The five stages of Monday: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, wine.
  • Danger is my middle name. First name: avoids last name: completely
  • Finally, it is a dream come true for all eligible girls, the dream man will come on a horse, thanks to the petrol prices!
  • Drink and drive should not be a problem now.  After all, how many will be able to afford alcohol and petrol on the same day.
  • There are some things that money cannot buy and very soon petrol might be one of them!
  • Petrol price hike: smart phone users demand an app to download petrol from the app store.
  • If a man tells a woman shes beautiful, shell overlook most of his other lies!
  • On an old man’s shirt: I am not 60 yrs old.  I am sweet 16 with 44 yrs experience!
  • Need new haters.  The old ones are starting to like me.
  • I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience for what it cost me.
  • Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood.  Last year, he died of hunger
  • Alcohol does not make you fat.  It makes you lean . Against tables, chairs,  floor,  walls and ugly people!
  • Knowledge and wisdom will save you from attachment.  Wait.  Aren’t you attached to your rolls Royce fleet?
  • Sometimes my mind asks. Why I miss u? Why I care for u? Why I remember u? Then my heart answers: because a mental patient needs more care
  • If you want to say bad things about me - behind my back, come to me. I will tells you more.
  • Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
  • Your ex asking you if they still be friends after the break-up is like. An abductor telling you to keep in touch!
  • Tell her that she is beautiful instead of hot. She is a woman,  not a temperature.
  • If steroids are illegal for athletes, then Photoshop should be illegal for models.
  • Oh lord! Please be kind to us.  You may start from me!
  • My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
  • Skype conversations: 5% - hey, how are you? 95% - can you hear me?
  • Teacher: all idiots stand up.  A boy stands up.  Teacher: so you are an idiot? Boy: no.  I can not bear you standing alone madam.
  • Raju proposed a girl. Girl said I am1yr elder to you. Raju said no problem, ill marry you next year!
  • Interviewer: what is skeleton? Santa: skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it. . !!!
  • You are right, I am a lying whore.  I lied, size does matters.
  • Heartbeats are countless spirits are ageless dreams are endless memories are timeless a friend like you shameless!!!
  • A baby monkey asks his father, father why are we so ugly ? The father says to him,  don't stress my son you should see the one who is reading this
  • Husband: today is Sunday and I have to enjoy it.  So I bought 3 movie tickets.  Wife: why three? Husband: for you and your parents.
  • This is your cellophane operator. we just found out you are to dumb to use your phone,  so please put it on ground and start jumping on it.  Thank you
  • Hey baby,  are you Google? Because you have everything I am searching for.
  • Appu’s wife send an sms to Pathan: I miss you.  Appu: I mister you.
  • Pappu: crack, how much is 5 plus 5? Crack: you dumb, you don't know this! Go and get a calculator.
  • Crack was watching cricket match with bomb placed on TV.  Wife: why have you kept this bomb? Crack: if they lose today,  I’ll blow the entire team
  • Crack: dear, I think I need glasses.  Teller: you certainly do! This is a bank!
  • I have started loving you.  I know, it sounds ridiculous but I can’t control my feelings for you.  Soon ill start loving more alphabets!
  • The human brain is most outstanding thing. it functions to4 hrs and 365 days. it functions right from time you were born until you fall in love.
  • When your ex says,   you’ll never find someone like me. Are you supposed to say, Thank god!
  • There is just one simple rule for love and success: just try one more time in a different way before you decide to quit.
  • Crack and jack were driving to Disney land.  The sign board said Disney land left .  So they turned back home in anguish!
  • Jak: what do you call a calf after its six months old? Crak: seven months old.
  • Bf: babe what are you doing? Gf: nothing much, really tired! Just going to sleep now, honey.  And  you,  sweetheart? Bf: in the club, standing behind u
  • Men love war because it allows them to look serious.  Because it is the one thing that stops women laughing at them.
  • Dr: what is your weight? Patient: with the glasses, 75 kg.  Dr: and without glasses? Patient: I cannot see.
  • Crack: I am feeling that I have got bird flu.  Jack: how do you know? Jack: I feel like flying today.
  • In math’s exam evry1 was writing except santa was dancing.  Y? B cos som1 told hi am tat there is marks for every step
  • Break up style: boy bought gift for his girlfriend.  Girl: what hell would I do with this rocket? Boy: you wanted stars? Now sit on it and get los
  • Height of facebook: boy uploaded status in college. I am online during the lecture.  Teacher commented get out principal liked comment
  • Crack: what do you call a calf after its six months old? Jack: seven months old.
  • Teacher: start computer.  Pappu: I did.  Teacher: now open my computer.  Pappu: miss, where is your computer?
  • Dr: what is your weight? Crack: with the glasses,  75 kg.  Dr: and without glasses? Crack: I cannot see.
  • I am unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment,  but if you leave a message,  the news of the world will email it to me later.
  • User error - replace user and press any key to continue.